Sunday, September 30, 2012

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am'
replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies,
'No, I haven't..' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers,
'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again,
'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in the water? ? ?'

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Bessie da cow

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'
 

Time

Here are six terrific truths about "time" to reflect on:

First
Nobody can manage time
But you can manage those things that take up your time.

Second
Time is expensive
As a matter of fact, 80 percent of our day is spent on those things or those people that only bring us two percent of our results.

Third
Time is perishable
It cannot be saved for later use.

Fourth
Time is measurable
Everybody has the same amount of time... pauper or king. 
It is not how much time you have; it is how much you use.

Fifth
Time is irreplaceable
We never make back time once it is gone.

Sixth
Time is a priority
You have enough time for anything in the world, so long as it ranks high enough among your priorities.

WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE.........

A store that sells husbands has just opened.

New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch...you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
.

 

Monday, September 24, 2012

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not
 even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old  Mother through?'

 The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

 'Ye what!?  Get out a here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to
this Catholic family.'
 'OK, Dad... as ye wish.  I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings
 certificate.   For me little brother, this gold Rolex.   And for ye Daddy, the
 sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside  plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

 Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl!   I thought ye said a
Protestant!   Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

KHHHKJ Run #841,Tue 25 Sep, 2012

Run #841,Tue 25 Sep, 2012
Hare: Camera Man,
Run Site: Jalan Sijangkang 7, Klang, (GPS 2295474.2.950362,101.426146)
Please RSVP Hare at +6012-2295474.
On On

Itchy Finger

 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Keep off the grass


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .. . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. While she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .
'Keep off the grass. ' 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,  which said
'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

Kentucky Jelly

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,'  Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labelled ' KY Jelly. '

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
 for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
 underweight. You don't have any milk.'

 

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.'

 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

KHHHKJ Run #840,Tue 18 Sep

Run #840,Tue 18 Sep,

Hare: Cool Roy,

Run Site: Kota Kemuning,

Please RSVP to Cool Roy at +6012-3089355

ON ON

Itchy Finger

 

75 YEARS OLD!


Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire.
After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, 'Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.........and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.'
'What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'
'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'
'You dirty old man, you need glasses!
This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'
'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!'

Thursday, September 6, 2012

KHHHKJ Run #839,Tue 11 Sep

Run #839,Tue 11 Sep,

Hare: Hmm Mia ,

Run Site: Bukit Gasing,

Please RSVP to Hmm Mia at +6014-6270396.

ON ON

Itchy Finger

 

10 MOST highly rated MEN's profession from Women's point of view are...

THE DOCTOR  Because he says " Take your clothes off"

THE DENTIST Because he says "OPEN WIDE"

THE HAIRDRESSER Because he says " Do you want it teased or blown"

THE MILKMAN Because he says "Do you want it in the front or the back"

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR  Because he says " Once it's in you'll love it"

THE SHARE BROKER Because he says "It will rise gradually and maintain its peak for long-long time"

THE BANKER Because he says "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

THE HUNTER Because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots" 

THE TELECOM GUY  Because he says "Would you like it on the table or against the wall"

And the MOST ANNOYING PROFESSSION is being

SANTA CLAUS Because all he does is excite you first by putting you on his lap, and does nothing more than Ho Ho Ho

 

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Evacuation Plan

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The Irish hooker

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
'What's going on here, people?'  asks the cop
'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding very annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,'  says the cop, 'I  didn't know'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!'
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Thursday, August 30, 2012

KHHHKJ Run #838,Tue 04 Sep

Run #838,Tue 04 Sep,

Hare: Vampire,

Run Site: ECO Park,

Please RSVP to Vampire at +6012-2290102.

ON ON -Itchy Finger

 

Hash Joke of the week 35 - A Bull Story

A Bull Story
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

English lesson of the day

This is a good 'Lesson One' for anyone to start a family!

  The difference between COMPLETE & FINISH

People say there is no difference between
 COMPLETE & FINISH
But there is
!
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED

And when the "right one" catches you with the "wrong one", you are

COMPLETELY FINISHED
And that is your English lesson for the day.

And God Promised ( hohoho!)

     And God promised men
            that good and obedient wives would be
            found in all corners of the world.

            Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...

English lesson of the day

This is a good 'Lesson One' for anyone to start a family!
  The difference between COMPLETE & FINISH
People say there is no difference between  COMPLETE & FINISH
But there is
! When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED
And when the "right one" catches you with the "wrong one", you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED And that is your English lesson for the day.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Beer


10 Surprising Health Benefits of Beer


Beer drinkers rejoice: Your favourite brew may be healthier than you think.

For years, wine drinkers have indulged without guilt, revelling in the news that red wine can help protect against heart disease. Recent research shows that beer can also be good for what ails you, from reducing risk for broken bones to helping warding off diabetes and mental decline. It can even increase longevity, a large study suggests.

However, the key to tapping into beer's benefits is moderation, meaning just one 12-ounce beer per day for women and two for men. Heavy drinking ups the threat of liver damage, some cancers, and heart problems. Bingeing on brew skis can also make you fat, since a 12-ounce regular beer has about 150 calories, while light beer has about 100.

Read about common diet myths that are dangerous to your health
 
Here are 10 surprising and healthy reasons to cheer about your next beer.

1. Stronger Bones
Beer contains high levels of silicon, which is linked to bone health. In a 2009 study at Tufts University and other centres, older men and women who swigged one or two drinks daily had higher bone density, with the greatest benefits found in those who favoured beer or wine. However, downing more than two drinks was linked to increased risk for fractures.
For the best bone-building benefits, reach for pale ale, since a 2010 study of 100 types of beer from around the word identified these brews as richest in silicon, while light lagers and non-alcoholic beers contained the least.

2. A Stronger Heart
A 2011 analysis of 16 earlier studies involving more than 200,000 people, conducted by researchers at Italy's Fondazion di Ricerca e Cura, found a 31 percent reduced risk of heart disease in those who quaffed about a pint of beer daily, while risk surged in those who guzzled higher amounts of alcohol, whether beer, wine, or spirits.
More than 100 studies also show that moderate drinking trims risk of heart attacks and dying from cardiovascular disease by 25 to 40 percent, Harvard reports. A beer or two a day can help raise levels of HDL, the good cholesterol that helps keep arteries from getting clogged.

3. Healthier Kidneys
A study in Finland singled out beer among other alcoholic drinks, finding that each bottle of beer men drank daily lowered their risk of developing kidney stones by 40 percent. One theory is that beer's high water content helped keep kidneys working, since dehydration increases kidney stone risk.
It's also possible that the hops in beer help curb leeching of calcium from bones; that lost calcium also could end up in the kidneys as stones.

4. Boosting Brain Health
A beer a day may help keep Alzheimer's disease and other dementia at bay, researchers say.
A 2005 study tracking the health of 11,000 older women showed that moderate drinkers (those who consumed about one drink a day) lowered their risk of mental decline by as much as 20 percent, compared to non-drinkers. In addition, older women who downed a drink a day scored as about 18 months younger, on average, on tests of mental skills than the non-drinkers.

5. Reduced Cancer Risk
A Portuguese study found that marinating steak in beer eliminates almost 70 percent of the carcinogens, called heterocyclic amines (HCAs) produced when the meat is pan-fried. Researchers theorize that beer's sugars help block HCAs from forming.
Scientists also have found that beer and wine contain about the same levels of antioxidants, but the antioxidants are different because the flavonoids found in hops and grapes are different.

6. Boosting Vitamin Levels
A Dutch study, performed at the TNO Nutrition and Food Research Institute, found that beer-drinking participants had 30 percent higher levels of vitamin B6 levels in their blood than their non-drinking counterparts, and twice as much as wine drinkers. Beer also contains vitamin B12 and folic acid.

7. Guarding Against Stroke
Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health found that moderate amounts of alcohol, including beer, help prevent blood clots that block blood flow to the heart, neck and brain the clots that cause ischemic stroke, the most common type.

8. Reduced Risk for Diabetes
Drink up: A 2011 Harvard study of about 38,000 middle-aged men found that when those who only drank occasionally raised their alcohol intake to one to two beers or other drinks daily, their risk of developing type 2 diabetes dropped by 25 percent. The researchers found no benefit to quaffing more than two drinks. The researchers found that alcohol increases insulin sensitivity, thus helping protect against diabetes.

9. Lower Blood Pressure
Wine is fine for your heart, but beer may be even better: A Harvard study of 70,000 women ages 25 to 40 found that moderate beer drinkers were less likely to develop high blood pressure a major risk factor for heart attack than women who sipped wine or spirits.

10. Longer Life
In a 2005 review of 50 studies, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) reported that moderate drinkers live longer. The USDA also estimates that moderate drinking prevents about 26,000 deaths a year, due to lower rates of heart disease, stroke, and diabetes.

These benefits appear to apply in other countries as well, with an earlier study reporting that, if European beer drinkers stopped imbibing, there would be a decrease in life expectancy of two years and much unhappiness.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Run #837,Tue,28/08


Run #837, Tue 28th August,
Hare: Sisyen,
Run Site: Kota Kemuning,
Please RSVP to Sisyen at +6013-3386919. 
ON ON -Itchy Finger



Harimau Birthday 21-08-2012