Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't..' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in the water? ? ?'

Bessie da cow

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?' 

Time

Here are six terrific truths about "time" to reflect on:

First: 

Nobody can manage time. 

But you can manage those things that take up your time.

Second: 

Time is expensive. 

As a matter of fact, 80 percent of our day is spent on those things or those people that only bring us two percent of our results.

Third: 

Time is perishable. 

It cannot be saved for later use.

Fourth: 

Time is measurable. 

Everybody has the same amount of time... pauper or king. 

It is not how much time you have; it is how much you use.

Fifth: 

Time is irreplaceable. 

We never make back time once it is gone.

Sixth: 

Time is a priority. 

You have enough time for anything in the world, so long as it ranks high enough among your priorities.

WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE.........

A store that sells husbands has just opened. New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch...you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband... On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!.

 

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not  even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old  Mother through?'

 The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

 'Ye what!?  Get out a here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

 'OK, Dad... as ye wish.  I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings
 certificate.   For me little brother, this gold Rolex.   And for ye Daddy, the  sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside  plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

 Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl!   I thought ye said a Protestant!   Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

KHHHKJ Run #841,Tue 25 Sep, 2012

Run #841,Tue 25 Sep, 2012
Hare: Camera Man,
Run Site: Jalan Sijangkang 7, Klang, (GPS 2295474.2.950362,101.426146)
Please RSVP Hare at +6012-2295474.
On On

Itchy Finger

 

Keep off the grass

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .. . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. While she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .

'Keep off the grass. ' 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,  which said

'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

Kentucky Jelly

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,'  Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labelled ' KY Jelly. '

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

 

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.'

 

KHHHKJ Run #840,Tue 18 Sep

Run #840,Tue 18 Sep,

Hare: Cool Roy,

Run Site: Kota Kemuning,

Please RSVP to Cool Roy at +6012-3089355

ON ON

Itchy Finger

 

75 YEARS OLD!

Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire.

After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, 'Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.........and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.'

'What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'

'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'

'You dirty old man, you need glasses!

This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'

'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!'

A Man's Life in 3 Pictures...

 

KHHHKJ Run #839,Tue 11 Sep

Run #839,Tue 11 Sep,

Hare: Hmm Mia ,

Run Site: Bukit Gasing,

Please RSVP to Hmm Mia at +6014-6270396.

ON ON

Itchy Finger

 

10 MOST highly rated MEN's profession from Women's point of view are...

THE DOCTOR  Because he says " Take your clothes off"

THE DENTIST Because he says "OPEN WIDE"

THE HAIRDRESSER Because he says " Do you want it teased or blown"

THE MILKMAN Because he says "Do you want it in the front or the back"

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR  Because he says " Once it's in you'll love it"

THE SHARE BROKER Because he says "It will rise gradually and maintain its peak for long-long time"

THE BANKER Because he says "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

THE HUNTER Because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots" 

THE TELECOM GUY  Because he says "Would you like it on the table or against the wall"

And the MOST ANNOYING PROFESSSION is being

SANTA CLAUS Because all he does is excite you first by putting you on his lap, and does nothing more than Ho Ho Ho

 

Evacuation Plan

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The Irish hooker

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
'What's going on here, people?'  asks the cop
'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding very annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,'  says the cop, 'I  didn't know'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!'

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